haiz.. its like.. wtf.. dissapointment.... i thought it was gonna be good.. but who knew.. anyway its over.. what can i do?

choir camp.. people suffered.. loads!! injuries.. illness.. anger.. fun.. lol
we had emsemble.. damn fun.. damn! i mean its like.. ok.. cuz we were split into groups.. den we have to practice emsem in own grps.. in the end.. we sang together in a classroom.. not my group.. but it was fun!! lol!! den wad else.. oh.. we had a 7-hr choir prac on the second day.. its like.. lol man.. and no one complained.. well.. not as much as before.. den.. we had loads of fun.. sang old songs.. the old times.. haiz.. whenever i sing [[ You Raise Me Up ]] i would start to cry.. i miss josephine.. fazilah.. chee pong.. zhao yi.. isaac.. loads more.. when i sing seasons of love too.. cuz we had to sing that song in the current new library.. its like.. so memorable cuz we had to fight the stupid grass cutting machine.. den.. lol.. haiz.. they came back!! so happy!! hmmm.. games not well planned.. ok.. the toot thing is now.
we had 2 lunch and 2 dinner.. sian.. den both is rice n noodles.. well.. wad u expect for 1.50 ? anyways.. i think there was sumthin wrong wid the food.. i mean.. after eating it.. i feel unwell.. others feel unwell too.. most poorthing is antz and ben.. sobs for ben le.. he so poorthing.. anyways.. den at nite we had meeting.. so in the afternoon we went out and bought sweets to last us the night.. surprising we almost finished everything!! lol!! anyways..erm.. damn fun le.. den meeting we were bitching arnd.. crappy.. we were talking abt choir members.. its like.. omg.. we are gossipping in meeting.. lol.. got loads of pple..
den games.. pple got scatched.. for my game.. i hate myself for making that decision.. haiz.. hate it.. den in the end we scratched 10 chairs.. omg lor.. in the end we had to use toothpaste to try and conceal the scratches.. lol.. the chairs in the end were like... sticky and smells of colgate.. dotx..! but we had fun.. although things did not happen and go on as we expected.. we still had fun..
haiz.. cried for night prog.. we had this sec 4 farewell party.. well.. only 3 sec 4s.. lol.. it was a simple one.. but everybody cried.. it was touching.. too touching.. i will remember it..

haiz i miss him so much lor.. during camp.. regret didnt bring hp.. haiz..

[[ got miss me mahx? ]]

but.. after seeing what i think i dun wanna see.. i realise that things will not be like what i thought of since he looks like he wants to return to his old way of thinkin.. at first.. i thought it was ok.. i mean he changed.. his nick? dotx.. but now.. hes back.. ah wells.. the old guy is back.. i guess he never left.. what to do? i cant do anything.. its not my way... wait.. not its not my way.. i mean.. i thought.. but its never was my way.. from what im thinking.. haiz.. he.. will... never forget her... never move on..

[[ i have lost hopes.. ]]

he seem uninterested.. well.. i was just a passing phrase.. sumthin to try to help him move on? wait.. that will make me sound too important.. ok.. i was just a substitute.. prolly not even one.. i was just dreaming.. well.. it was a nice dream.. but it will never be my reality... i dun wan him to feel guilty or feel grateful.. i was just a friend.. i treat all my friends the same.. yeap.. i will stand by anyone's side who needs support.. i know i mind, that i cannot deny.. but i have to just treat it as... a good time i had.. its was the same as last year.. everythin that happened this june was the same as last year's june.. well.. all he nids is.. her.. i will not forget the first times that ive experienced.. very awkward.. but.. i never regretted.. well.. i did all i can.. he loves her..sumthin happened and i gave up.. they broke up.. he talked to me.. it came back.. hopes were up.. now their nothing.. i was just a friend.. not a very important friend.. just a friend.. forever a friend.. well.. i know im selfish to want sumone by me even when i cannot accept him.. well.. he once said [[ you know that you can tell me anything right? ]] [[ but what if i want you to (disturb me) ? ]]
he also said that he'd be there for me.. its ok if i sms him.. well.. i was very touched.. because he was the 1st guy who said that.. the first guy who made me feel.. very.. secure.. who made me know that i will always have him there for me.. well.. if that is what everything he said meant.. he also said [[ you're not as unimportant as you think you are. everything abt you worrys me ]] if im not wrong.. i cant relly remember.. roughly bahx.. haiz.. but now.. will it all still be true? i mean.. he wills spend his time wid other friends.. thinking abt her.. playing dota.. well.. i feel bad disturbing him while he's playing dota.. but.. he.. ah well.. i relly dunno which word or thing you said was true.. i mean it.. after all thats happened.. im confused.. were all these real? or juz a dream? or was it juz a wrong path that the both of us took? or was i wrong to talk to you that thursday? maybe i should have never took the chance to talk to you try to be friends again.. in that way.. you will still be thinking abt her.. not thinking abt other weighing things.. and i.. will.. still continue to lie to myself saying that i got over you..ok.. i know im childish.. but.. i relly canot help it.. i feel so... lost.. like.. what am i doing now? shuld i still continue to talk to you at night? shuld i still talk to you abt whats happening between us? can i still talk to you abt it..? i dun think you would be bothering abt that le.. cuz you will only be thinking.. what are they doing now... blah.. i dunno.. im not you.. i never knew you.. i thought i knew you.. but i dunt.. im a liar.. i hate myself for lying to myself.. thinking all this was meant to be...? nah.. rather.. thinking all these will lead to sumwhere.. even when i cant adapt.. thinking that you will be there for me.. well.. but.. now.. no more.. because.. ive woken up..? ive realised i was wrong.. i feel as if i the dumbest person i could have ever met.. the most gullible one.. haiz.. maybe i dun have what he wants.. or nids.. maybe cuz im not her.. wait.. i AM not her.. im another person.. wait.. the previous sentence makes no sense.. haiz.. i should start to keep things to myself again.. you opened me up to new things.. thanks.. i think ive experienced enough.. or maybe not.. but.. i relly feel as if whatever step i take next will lead me to a bottomless pit.. i am afraid.. sorry jing hang.. i am still very timid.. haas.. everything is repeating.. well.. yea.. its obvious.. i wanna run away.. but i miss him.. i relly feel like talking to him.. but.. haiz.. even though he say i can tell him anything.. i cant.. i dunno how to say it out... its hard to express.. i have not told him a lot of things.. its terrible keeping feelings inside.. thoughts inside.. but i cant tell pamela.. she also not that free to entertain me.. well.. noone else i trust.. well.. how would i know? i mean.. if i were to talk to him.. he will eventually get bored one day.. like sick and tired of me whinning to him.. complaining abt my life.. eventually..

[[ not needed... substituted..]]

haiz.. dissappointed.. dunno wad im talking abt le.. what i say makes no sense.. its concerns nobody anymore.. yep

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